Our Boys Will Pay the Price for Badly Behaved Men
In the aftermath of the 2016 and 2024 elections, it has been made clear: America will reward badly behaved men over exceptional women every time. Men can grab, harass, degrade, lie, and abuse. Women can’t even smile right, as we are either distrusted for our stoicism or mocked for our joy and laughter. We are crucified for not following the unwritten rules that have been set for us, rules that are never applied to our male counterparts. But as much as America’s disdain for women breaks my heart, the portrait of “manhood” we have just solidified for our boys destroys me even further. The emotional expression, the fullness of humanity that we criticize our women for becomes even more disqualifying when displayed by our men.
As a mother who works to raise sweet and strong boys, I had hoped for so much better this time around. When given the opportunity to highlight a family whose husband has sacrificed his career for his wife’s (a picture we rarely see in American culture) we said “no.” When given the opportunity to choose a Vice President who not only checked those “manly” boxes—military service, football coach, gun owner, hunter, flannel aficionado—but who expanded upon those boxes with emotional capacity, devotion to his family, and the ability to teach and advocate, again, we looked away.
As excited as I was to see a woman rise to the very highest office, I was equally as hopeful to see her openly supportive husband serve as First Gentleman. I hoped we could watch a well-rounded, joyful man fill the role of Vice President, as well. The kindness, passion, and love that emanates from Tim Walz is exactly what America needs to give our boys greater room to grow into themselves. Our narrow idea of masculinity has trapped our children for far too long. It is what has helped create the “gender crisis” so many are weaponizing against our children, public schools, and politicians. When we demand that our girls and boys appear only one way, when we cage them inside the societal constructs of pink and blue lives, we are certain to fail our kids and their vast potential.
My boys are nothing if not beautifully and uniquely designed by a power much greater than me and my husband. While we parent all four much the same, each is their own combination of traits and talents pulling from somewhere neither of us had a hand in. Some draw, some dance, some build, some bake. Some grow quiet when a day feels heavy, while others announce every thought that weighs them down. One loves bright pinks and corals, another prefers gray and more gray. But all of them need the space to be their own version of boy and child and soon-to-be adult. I am no expert, but I have learned that much.
I was hopeful this lesson I’ve gained would be broadcasted to the land at large. I thought that (just maybe) my boys were about to witness less limiting shapes of men in the public eye, men who were free to laugh or cry or smile with their whole entire face, but no. It will be more of the same. It will actually likely be much worse.
Not only will the frowny-faced man at the top be a one-dimensional sexual predator, adulterer, and defamer of women, he is lining up a parade of sexual predators, adulterers, and proud misogynists to follow him into the White House. And in their wake, we are seeing the fallout with one new catch phrase proving truly problematic.
Since this past election, “Your body, my choice” is trending on social media and inside the mouths of boys and men. As a woman who has encountered men who believe these words, I assure you the implications of promoting this sinister brand of misogyny will be catastrophic not only to our girls, but to our boys, as well.
When the #MeToo movement was gaining traction and badly behaved men seemed to finally be falling off the success ladder, I had a friend call me, upset about the latest male “victim.” A favorite morning tv host had been outed over sexual harassment accusations from a female colleague, and my friend was upset.
“Don’t you worry about your boys?” she had asked. “Don’t you worry that they will grow up and be accused of something they haven’t done?” Having been sexually harassed in the workplace and beyond, her perspective was one I had not really considered. I flipped it over in my mind. Was that the fear that laid at my center? No. That wasn’t it.
“That is not what actually scares me the most,” I replied. “I don’t worry that my boys will be accused of something they didn’t do. I worry that they will be accused of something like that, and it will be true. What scares me is that our culture will be a stronger influence on my boys than I will be, and they will make the wrong choice.”
We already know what happens to our children when we raise boys inside a society where they feel entitled to women’s bodies, to commenting on them and touching them. But what happens when they don’t just feel entitled to these things? What happens when these things are said aloud, when we tell them through our words and our votes that the entitlement they have sensed all along is actually real? That other people’s bodies are, in fact, now their choice?
What do you think happens when those unwritten rules women have been held to are finally put into print? I guarantee it will not just be our girls who suffer. Our boys and their inherent propensity for kindness, justice, joy, and love will drown just as surely inside a system that requires them to leave their fullness and integrity behind in order to succeed. With this last vote, we have exalted a breed of stunted, angry, depthless men, and for this, our girls will not be the only ones who pay the price.
Ashley, Woman of a Certain Rage